But winter's not the worst thing
I know I wasn't liking winter this morning, but then I cheered up a little bit. I got Santa Claus Is Coming to Town in my head "“ the Bruce version, of course. And I got to thinking of Clarence ho-ho-hoing and the shaggy dog Christmas stories Bruce used to tell before singing the song.
Here's the story as told in Portland on December 19, 1978, and as now available on Crystal Cat's Paramount Night bootleg:
| It was about … when did we live down on 6th Avenue? We had that place … '69 … '68 … '68 … 1968 and me and Steve we were living in Asbury Park on this place down on 6th Avenue, 1610. I remember that place because it was the only time we used to live together. Was in the attic. We had this place up in the attic.I had the couch "“ did you have a bed? I don't think you had a bed. We had two couches, and I remember the joint for two reasons. One, because it was the only time I ever washed the dishes. I flooded … I left the water, uh, I went and talked on the phone for an hour. Flooded all the apartments downstairs. The other reason was I went to the dentist. Now you guys go every month or something. That was in 1968. I went again last month. Passed the test.Anyway, we were living down in this joint and working down, down along the beach in this bar. And I remember it was Christmas Eve, and we were feeling low 'cause we didn't have no girl friends, we didn't have no money and had no folks and that and so we were sitting there.
We went home early, you know, put the, uh, put the old Pop Tarts in the oven, you know, the toaster and we went to bed. It was the night before Christmas and all through the house there was nothing to eat but Pop Tarts. So anyway we're sleeping "“ this is the quiet part, give me a few minutes will you? We always slept standing up with our guitars on, so we'd be ready for action in case anybody wanted to sign us up. Anyway we hear this noise up on the roof, right? Now we're old, I mean we were eighteen right? He was seventeen. We don't believe in none of this Santa Claus stuff. We didn't go for any of that stuff, you know? But just in case I left a little note underneath my pillow saying what I wanted. We hear this sound up on the roof "“ we figure it's burglars trying to break in … steal our guitars, steal our amps … steal our money. So anyway, we climb out on the roof. Now out on the roof is real dark. There's no big light like that and we can't see too good, but we see somebody trying to stuff something in that chimney. Now we know it's these burglars coming to rob us so we sneak up on this dude. I say, "Steve show him the karate move man!" We get him! "All right, Steven come on! Oh oh shit, oh we got his ass … you got him, man, you got him, no you got him, go on, go on see, see is he out? Is he out? "Oh oh! Oh shit! We fucking knocked out Santa Claus, man!" Oh man, I thought he was dead a long time ago. My father told me he was dead when I was six years old, that's how come I never got presents after that. Goddamn it. I don't know what to do now. Wait 'til my little sister hears about this. Probably supposed to be like in China by now or something. "What the hell was he stuffing in the chimney? Hey, he was stuffing my present in there … '57 Chevy … with a brunette in the front seat. Oh! Some Christmas! "Oh shit, Santa, you all right, man? Better try and wake this cat up man. Santa, ho-ho-ho, all that stuff. Give me some of that snow, bring it on over here. Not THAT kind! Jeez! Sorry, Santa. Think he's coming around man. Hey Santa, let me hear you baby." (Clarence: Ho-Ho-Ho!) "Oh the dude's all right, man!" (Clarence: Ho-Ho-Ho!) You better watch out, you better not cry….
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