Spam: Analyzed, censored and annotated
The spam arrived in my inbox a week or so ago with the subject line: "Absence of proof is not proof of absence." Between that subject and the message's sender, "Alternate E. Manipulator," I was compelled to continue reading.
The message was a crude mix of X-rated hucksterisms and crackerjack philosophy, and at first I assumed the contents to be the work of a 'bot gone Bartleby. But after devoting a few minutes to research, I came to wonder if Mr. Manipulator was instead a purveyor gone Princeton.
The quote of the subject line came from one William Cowper, Google told me. In attaching this name to the phallocentric peddling, my mind flew back to high school biology. I was stunned. Could the spammer have been winking at scientific history?
After all, as another quick Google search confirmed, it was surgeon William Cowper (1666-1709) who discovered the Cowper's gland, a biology quiz-worthy actor in the male reproductive system. How clever, I thought, for a spam featuring the function of the male member to reference slyly the very process by which the male member functioned.
But such a subversion was not to survive more investigation. Sadly, the case for intelligence fell apart as quickly as it was assembled. More Google searches believed the quote's author was a second William Cowper (1731-1800), a poet and famed letter-writer.
This William Cowper likely had little connection to the Cowper's gland, aside from possessing one. Historians have shown him to be the depressive and religious sort, not the kind to go delving into torsos and naming nether regions. In fact, health was seemingly one of his least concerns; he tried to kill himself three times. In his later years, one source reports, "Cowper would answer enquiries after his health with 'a mournful groan.'"
The research grew disappointing here, but my brief hope for the obscene would have to fall down one last step. It was a doozy, of course. I returned to the subject line – "Absence of proof is not proof of absence" – and ran the quote through Google again. Sifting through more pages, the line's authorship became more in doubt.
Proponents of UFOs, WMDs and God found the quote's usage most helpful, but many quoted the line unattributed or termed it an "old adage" or proverb. But while others gave the line to Carl Sagan or Donald Rumsfeld, the Web's general consensus was that the quote belonged to Michael Crichton.
Yes, that Michael Crichton, the best-selling author and ER creator. The line appeared in his 1997 The Lost World, a book only inspired by the box office sales of Jurassic Park. On page 8 of the paperback edition, Dr. Richard Levine, a character written out of the eventual movie, said the words to Ian Malcolm.
But were the words original? Carl Sagan wrote almost the same line in his 1995 Fine Art of Baloney Detection, using "evidence" instead "proof." But were these words original? The "old adage" claims suggested no, but I couldn't find any earlier citations.
The trail had gone cold. The Web's general attribution to Crichton appeared dubious at best, but what else was new. Instead of quiet genius, the spam's subject line offered just a bleary eye into the heart of popular inaccuracy.
In any event, please enjoy the text of the message, censored and annotated:
You would, would you?
Home of gigant BLEEP!
>> Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.1
Lots of mega BLEEP movies!
>> It appears I am destined for something I will live.2
50.000 of shocking huge BLEEP pictures.
>> I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes — and six months later you have to start all over again.3
Explicit real BLEEP perfomances.
>> Live out of your imagination, not your history.4
BLEEP who BLEEP massive BLEEP.
>> Whether joy or sorrowful, the heart needs a double, because a joy shared is doubled and a pain that is shared is divided.5
16" Huge (probably should've been a) BLEEP (but they left a word out) in mini BLEEP!
1. George Will (b. 1941), commentator.
2. Robert Clive (1725�1774), British soldier, colonial administrator.
3. Joan Rivers (b. 1935), U.S. comedienne.
4. Stephen Covey (b. 1932), author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people.
5. Possibly Friedrich R�ckert (1788�1866), German scholar and poet. The Web attributes the quote to a "Ruckett" but then offers no information on who Ruckett is. Probably Michael Crichton.
