Fat Boyz
Got ice cream tonight at Fat Boyz, our chosen replacement for the ever-extorting island Dairy Queens. $5 for a Blizzard? That money's staying upside-down in my pocket, thanks. I treated myself at the Boyz to a Hot Fudge Brownie Delight and didn't miss Dennis the Menace one bit.
What was disappointing was the Fat Boyz shorts. Last year I saw them briefly in the display case and considered buying a pair. They were red and had FAT BOYZ written on them in big white text. But my money went toward a T-shirt at the Cahoon's convenience store instead. Cahoon's and us, we went way back.
This year, with Cahoon's out of the way, I returned for the shorts. "Do they still have those shorts in the case?" I asked my cousin. "Yeah, but they're women's shorts," she said. "Usually only women's short have writing on the butt."
She had a point. Men's short have traditionally not drawn attention to the butt area.
But I figured these shorts might be different. Over time, fat men have carved out a niche in American society, creating a class of celebrated obesity and hilarious antics (the belly cheer, for one). With such a level of prestiege, I thought perhaps these shorts I remembered would pay tribute to their girth pride and commensurate ice cream-eating abilities.
I stepped to the case to see the shorts for myself. And they were … women's shorts. In addition to the butt lettering — which on my hips would have enjoyed the comic achievement of a wide-load sign on a Geo Prism — the shorts also possessed an unexpected cut. They were not even across the bottom.
The shorts were slanted upward. As if to provide for maximum thigh exposure, a goal I didn't really have in mind. The shorts, I admitted to my eager wallet, were not men's shorts.
