First quarter. Seconds into play, they intercepted us. A minute later, they scored. Their fans beat ours in a tug of war. The sideline reporter sort of admitted a fear of thunder. We almost had a touchdown, but they intercepted it and ran it back a million yards for a touchdown of their own. ESPN tried to ignore us and interview Tim McGraw, so we scored a touchdown. Tim McGraw insulted the Outback new media department. Didn't they pay enough? The announcers mentioned we had sold our entire ticket allotment, 11,000 tickets at a school with only 8,000 students. You hear that, bowl committees of the future?

Second quarter. The announcers reminisced about a steakhouse that wasn't Outback. Auburn scored again. We missed a field goal, a long Northwestern tradition. Things were generally quiet. We lucked out on a bad 4th down call. One of their guys dragged all of our players down the field at once. In the Auburn PSA, Bo Jackson was identified as "Bo Jackson, CEO/Philanthropist." Always two things at once! Auburn's PSA also had a race car driver, a scuba diver, patriotism, and a trained bird. Immediately following, Northwestern's PSA had doors. Seriously, the commercial was all about campus doors. The NU doors featured most prominently are in reality kept locked all the time. Twitter user: "Lies!" Big-time interception for us. Then a bigger-time interception for them.

Third quarter. Sideline report on Auburn coach: "His main vice, though, guys, the old-school Bazooka chewing gum. He's plowing through it on the sideline, the kind that lasts the flavor, you know, all of 38 seconds. He's been whippin' it non-stop on the sideline, movin' on from piece to piece." NU made one-handed, falling-out-of-bounds, at-the-goal-line, deep-pass interception. Announcer on the teams' pre-bowl activity in Tampa: "I think Northwestern won the dance contest, but the Tigers winning where it's more important…." For everyone keeping score at home, we won the dance contest and lost the tug of war. Fair shake. Another Auburn interception. But then three and out. Then a long NU touchdown! Auburn, three more and out. Then a long NU touchdown!

Fourth quarter. 21-21. Friend Lisa tweeted love for announcer's "little engine that could" metaphor. Another Auburn interception, then a TD. Fitzgerald gave team pep talk about Kafka playing for other team all game but joining NU for final 10 minutes. Hilarious, yes. Inspiring, I'm not sure. Amazing NU catch nullified by penalty. Auburn touchdown. Bo Jackson shown. Confused how abolitionist Battle Hymn of the Republic became tune for Auburn's song. Kafka sneak, push, touchdown Cats! But — Northwestern tradition — Auburn blocked the extra point. But! Quick Auburn fumble, Northwestern recovery. Fourth down craziness: About to sack us for a massive loss, they grabbed a Kafka facemask. Penalty grabbed first down and 15 yards. Then long pass, touchdown Cats! Going for two, gadget play, receiver-to-receiver pass, score! 35 all with 1:15 to go. Kickoff, long Auburn runback, fumble, NU recovery! Three seconds to go, 44-yard Cat kick… little right, end of regulation.

Overtime. Announcer reviewed stupid college overtime rules. NU got the toss. My nerves ate all my ice cream. Auburn field goal. NU pass, catch, fumble, NU recovery, Auburn penalty (an "illegal bat"), NU first down plus yards, but review,  overturned the fumble and the penalty, damn. Auburn hit Zafka. Ball loose. Fumble? Auburn stormed the field. Announcer declared an Auburn win. Or was it a sack? Review. Insanity! Overturned! Game not over! NU kick, no good, hit the post. Announcer declared Auburn win, again. But a flag! Roughing the kicker, a NU first down, but kicker hurt bad. No movement, our backup kicker came out, a fake, no dice. Auburn 38, Cardiac Cats 35, a great game but a loss.

"Northwestern," a friend said, "you are a magnificent heartbreaker."

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