Staples contest: Invent an office product. The grand prize winner gets $25,000 plus royalties.As the FAQ notes, they are only looking for boring inventions. Velcro chairs and edible telephones will not be accepted.

So Diddy wanted to dance. "Dance!" Diddy said. Dance dance dance, Diddy said like a damn fool, jumping up and down. Diddy wanted to dance, Diddy said, because Diddy was due. The last time Diddy danced, they all knew Diddy got drummed. They all sat back and shook their heads. Dumb dumb Diddy, they all said.

But Diddy paid them no mind. No one had given Diddy a damn reason not to dance. None of them had stood in Diddy's face and said, Diddy, don't dance. They all sat back and sat in to watch Diddy's oncoming disorientation. They wouldn't miss Diddy dancing, not for the world.

Diddy looked down at this feet and swore at them. They swore back. Dance dance dance, Diddy said and they didn't move an inch. They declined. They drew on Diddy's head, draining and draining and Diddy just stood there with a cross look on his face.

Then a big fool came galloping up the street, and Diddy gave him a look. "Hello big fool," said Diddy. "Hello Diddy," said the big fool. Then the big fool galloped away, and Diddy was there alone and Diddy swore at the big fool. No dance, said Diddy, glaring away down the street.

They all sat back and laughed because Diddy was a damn fool too. Dumb dumb Diddy.

Beau of The Prisoner's Dilemma recently forwarded a quality Nigerian e-mail he received. It begins: "After a discreet but thorough investigation at the Foreign Office of the Nigerian Chambers of Commerce, we write with absolute confidence in the legality of your company and the integrity of your person."

It's that kind of spam that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. When a complete stranger writes and compliments you on your person, it restores your faith in basic human kindness.

Similiar is the e-mail I recently received from a bogus Yahoo account. "I want you to know that there is someone who loves you very much," the writer said. "After 42 years of struggling with the meaning of life and what the purpose of my life should be, I met a man named Jesus and He changed my life."

What he said made me think of The Weight by The Band. Take a load off, Fanny! Take a load for free! Free like the free bottle of Herbal Pro Penile Enlargement Pills you get with every purchase of Herbal Pro Penile Enlargement Pills. Or so Shelby Shirley said. You had to love his/her subject line, "Hey bro…."

I really prefer the Nigerians' "Dear Sir/madam." It offers more respect. Much like a fake college diploma, a growing spam offering. A recent one: "Do you want to increase your earnings, and gain more respect from EVERYONE?" Get a fake college diploma, and you can have all that and more. Havrard University is waiting your call.

And speaking of calls, how about that recall? You've got to continue to give credit to the Arnold T-shirt spammers on their timing. As short as the recall process was, they got their spam out there. When it was over, they didn't slow down. I got two within a week of the vote: "Congratulations Arnold on your California Recall 2003 Win!"

A portion of their T-sales, they noted, "will be donated to the Disabled Children of America." A Google search finds the only group by this name to be a punk band.

Which brings us to my favorite emerging spam sector: anti-spam spam. "FWD: Stop emails like this one."

Despite weakening in the past few years, Mike Peters' strip comes through with a winner today.

I've finally found my dream job. But somebody already has it and is doing it brilliantly. The Post's David Segal profiles The Elvis Hunter.

Do I like the Black Eyed Peas?

I do not like them, playa please!

I do not like the Black Eyed Peas,

I do not like their lyrical cheese

I do not like Where Is the Love

I do not like th'Elephunk thereof.

Would I like them off the chart?

Would I like them to depart?

I would like them off the chart

I would like them to depart

I would like Shut Up to go

It's got three parts and yet no flow.

I do not like them on CDs

I do not like their MT-Vese

I'll admit I'm hard to please

But I do not like the Black Eyed Peas!

"I love you, boo

I love you too"

I do not like them,

Not I do.

Matty told Hatty about a thing she saw

Had two big horns and a wooly jaw

I can't believe the Orioles even play in the same division. These guys at the top of the American League East, they got a lil' spark under them, huh? Lil' spark. Lil' bit. The "two men enter, one man leaves" kind of spark.

The Orioles haven't had any sensation of the kind since 1998, the year Armando Benitez plugged Tino Martinez and the brawl spilled into the dugouts. ESPN.com named it one of the greatest baseball fights ever (see number three). Because when a fight goes into the dugouts, the only thing beyond the dugouts is the stands. You fight in the stands? You go to jail. A dugout fight is three-quarters of the way there.

But look at what's happened since in Baltimore: a whole lot of nothing. From 1998 until the present, the American League East has finished each year in exactly the same order: Yankees, Red Sox, Toronto, Baltimore, Tampa Bay. Six seasons where you should've bet on the horse that won yesterday.

Who knows why it's happened. Cal Ripken ended his streak in '98, but every team in the division has turned over their roster a few teams since — the Orioles more than most.

And while the division line-up shifted at the beginning of the year, it merely swapped the loser Tigers for the loser Devil Rays. If anything, the Rays have been even bigger doormats and should've evened out the division a little more. But no.

I'd pinpoint the date of stagnation as Dec. 1, 1998. That day the Orioles traded Benitez to the Mets, and the fight vanished from the bottom rungs of the American League East.

Since then, it's been early Gilligan's Island. The Yankees, the Red Sox and the rest. When no one else puts up a fight for those two, it's no wonder yesterday broke out.

Sally is not cool. Ted is not cool. That kid of theirs is definitely not cool. But amazingly, their cartoonist is. Is he just paying the bills or does he really love his work? You make the call with one of the most ridiculous Washingtonpost.com chats ever.

The counter hit 20,000 early this morning. It took a year to reach 10k and just seven months to hit the new mark today. Thanks to everyone for visiting.

Sometime since Saturday morning, the satirical newspaper pulled "Thank You, But That Was Siegfried's Idea" from its Web site. The "By Roy Horn" commentary has been delinked from its front page, and the page itself has been stripped of its content. Is this a first for the paper?

Google's cached version still exists.