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"He said, 'Hey, wanna see something cool?' and he handed me Elvis Presley's personal handgun," Aledort recalls. "Then he handed me a box of bullets and I thought, 'My god, I'm gonna wind up killing Joe Perry with Elvis Presley's personal handgun.'"

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Dave Shenin of the Post gives euphemy a good name:

"It doesn't matter how good I'm throwing right now," said Ponson, who allowed nine hits and four earned runs in 5 2/3 innings. "I [bleeping stink], bottom line…. I don't know what to say. I go out there and prepare myself, and it's not working out. I'm running out of things to say."

The St. Petersburg Times examines what makes a good ice cream sandwich. The photo is mouth-watering.

The Post reviews the latest Uncle Kracker, the man who ruined Drift Away for a generation: "Kracker's voice — marinated in Old Grand-Dad and then dragged through an ashtray — is ideally suited for chronicling the regrets that nag a shaggy, hung-over head."

A note to myself I just found in my bedroom, likely a blog post gone astray: "Don't stick the fork in the boiling water and then in the sauce and then in your mouth."

ElvisNews.com reports on two items of interest. First, "a Belgian couple whose 15 children's names are linked to Elvis Presley say they cannot think of a name for their 16th child." Second, SIRIUS Satellite Radio is launching a 24-hour Elvis radio channel.

Says 'scilla: "Elvis was a great fan of all new technologies in entertainment and communication. He was always the first person to get the latest gadgetry. I'm sure Elvis would have been SIRIUS Satellite Radio's first subscriber and would have had their rock, gospel and country programming going non-stop at home and on the road."

And then there's the sidebar-riffic AJC. About President Clinton sleeping on the couch, the paper asks, was that really so bad?

Back in April, you read here about the fate of Tillie, the smiling painted face on the wall of Asbury Park's ancient-but-doomed Palace Amusements building. Since then, the Palace has met the wrecking ball, but photos show Tillie survived as well as hoped.

Transferring musical idolatry a ways south, I was pointed to a Tower Records page this week by Elvisnews.com. EPE has released a trailer of the Comeback Special DVD (and a trailer of Aloha if that era floats your boat). The Comeback trailer didn't hanker much for cuts but instead went for the long ride, a dubious choice. That kind of post-remix salesmanship was disappointing, but the video showed what I hoped to see on the film.

Anyway. I figured those two items were pretty different and needed to be looped together in some way, but fortunately I found the Girls Guide to Elvis had already done the work for me. The book's Web site has transcribed a Bruce Goes to Graceland story.

Because I was a reference librarian in a previous life: For more details on the Memphis gig preceding the trip, consult the 29/04/76 entry in Brucebase's 1976 page. A soundboard recording circulates from the show (see Bruceleg details); the highlight for me is definitely Yum Yum Yum (I Want Some) during Eddie Floyd's guesting Knock on Wood.

The stories from the gig are also worth hearing, especially the Pretty Flamingo intro: "…we didn't know how tough she was until Clarence came riding by in short pants, on his bicycle playing a saxophone with no hands…."

Wilco's A Ghost is Born hits stores on June 22. As you know, I'm excited.

Marah's 20,000 Streets Under the Sky arrives one week later. As you know, I'm excited, even moreso than with Wilco. Marah's gonna have a horn section. They've gonna have a doo-wop girl chorus called the Shalitas.

I told a friend a while back about Marah album: It's gonna be like those red, white and blue sno-cones you can get in the little paper cups in the summertime. Maybe the 4th of July parade is rolling by; but you're just working on that sno-cone and checking out crowd, and every once in a while you see someone out in the heat and you're like damn I'd like to take me a bite out of that.

So that's two bands who've got my lunch money.

But now here comes Elvis. The King. He comes strutting up the street in a black leather suit. "Patrick," says Elvis, "what I need is a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich."

Now I'm no fan of peanut butter. No sir. But I figure we all got needs. And I figure 250 million peanut butter fans — much like 50 million Elvis fans — can't be wrong. So I offer Elvis a deal. "Elvis," I say, "how about we make a trade. I give you a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. And you give me your gold lamé suit."

Elvis curls his lip at this. "Son," he says, "I tell you for sure, that suit was the only thing that got me through the pearly gates. St. Peter says to me, 'You an angel?' I say to him, 'I got the suit, don't I?' By the time he figured out what I'd pulled, enough people'd heard me singing up there that there was no way they'd let him throw me out."

That much I can oblige. "But, Elvis," I say, "if you can't give me the suit … then how about something from the '68 comeback special? I don't want the black suit. Whatever happened between you and that leather can stay between you all. But how something more of the take-home variety? How about a DVD with all the boxing ring jam sessions and stage shows. Every little thing. Maybe remastered too, just to make sure we get all the feathers from the overloaded poultry truck. You know, Guitar Man."

Elvis sizes me up and then sticks out a hand.

"Son," he says, "you got yourself a deal."

And so, as you now must know, I'm excited. The Deluxe Edition DVD becomes available on June 22. But you don't have to thank me. You don't have to thank me very much.

Now online: The Graceland ChapelCam.

Full lyrics: Crying in the Chapel.

The NYT covers the Elvis master tape fiasco today but doesn't talk to the Elvis Hunter. Instead we only get a statement from RCA. Has the Post staked out Ernst?

But the Times does talk to Springsteen biographer Dave Marsh, and Marsh sums the situation up well: "Either they're destroying history or this is a fraud," Mr. Marsh said. "They can't have it both ways. If it isn't valuable, why are they selling it? And if it is valuable, why are they destroying it?"

Speaking of being history or a fraud, in case you were wondering, the Tony Bongiovi involved in the tape cutting is a cousin of the oft-debated Dr. Jon Bon Jovi.

From the good doctor's Wikipedia entry:

By the summer of 1982, out of school and working part-time – including in a shoe store – Jon finally got a job at the Power Station Studios, a New York recording facility where his cousin, Tony Bongiovi, was the co-owner. Jon made several demos (including one produced by Billy Squier) and sent them out to many record companies – but failed to make an impact.

At 19, Jon had his first recording experience, singing the song "R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on a Star Wars Christmas album, "Christmas With the Stars", with music by John Williams, produced by Tony Bongiovi at the Power Station and released on the RSO label.

Again, in case you were wondering, here are the lyrics to the R2-D2 song. "And if the snow becomes too deep, just give a little beep / We'll go in by the fire and warm your little wires…."

In other news, via the fabolous ElvisNews.com, AP's Paul Garwood and his mysterious cadre of headline writers have brought joy to my heart: Elvis, Castro Visit Last Saddam Hideout. A picture is included.

If I ever win the lottery, I plan to buy myself a gold lamé suit.

An entrepreneur says he's chopping the first Elvis master tape to bits. For tacky Elvis trinket purposes, no less "“ see Elvismastertape.com. But is his tape for real? In today's Washington Post, RCA's Ernst Jorgensen and others weigh in.

Via ElvisNews.com, we find Michael Lollar of the (Memphis) Commercial Appeal also covering the story. Lollar gets the quote of the day: One of Elvis's aunts, Lois Smith, in her late 70s, said she's mystified by any potential market for pieces of audiotape: "I don't like it worth a dang . . . Who in the world is going to buy a little old piece of tape if it won't even play?"

For what it's worth, the ElvisNews.com QuickPoll currently asks: "Will 2004 be a good Elvis year?" So far, 95 percent of voters say yes.

"I have a terrible feeling before this thing's over I'm going to be feeling terrible." "“The banker in the Elvis movie, "Stay Away, Joe" (1968).

I've finally found my dream job. But somebody already has it and is doing it brilliantly. The Post's David Segal profiles The Elvis Hunter.

Last January I said the Nigerians had jumped the shark by sending spam from a character identified as "Dr. Elvis."

This week, the Nigerian spam coalition kept the bar raised high with another work of art. The sender? "Rev. Sankoh Elvis." I'd like to go to a service at his church. You don't get very many people with Elvis as a last name. Yahoo's People Search only turns up 103 in the United States, so it must be especially rare in African nations.

I wish Rev. Elvis the best in his missionary work to smuggle the $14 million out of Togo.

In other Elvis news, the "2nd to None" RCA compilation hits record stores in October, following up last year's "30 #1 Hits." Among the great and hopefully beautifully remastered tracks on the new album are: 'That's All Right, Mama," "Blue Suede Shoes," "Viva Las Vegas," and the teardrop "Love Me." Read the full listing here.

The lusty Paul Oakenfold returns for another remix performance, this time with "Rubberneckin'." The song's no work of Hemingway, but the minimally backed verses are perfect for basing with a dance club beat. Although the video manages to be both overdone (two-story sideburns) and undercooked (no dance close-ups until near the end), the remix itself works for me more than last year's "Little Less Conversation."

Of course, as has been in the news recently, the never-released and recently unearthed "I'm a Roustabout" will drop into the album's last track. The quality is unknown; and the fact that it was recorded for "Roustabout" — a movie about carnies (small hands) — doesn't tell anyone a whole lot, even if the flick was known as one of the King's better acting jobs. Read the lyrics.

One song that won't make the album, unfortunately, is "Yoga Is as Yoga Does." Songs like this one make it worth scrolling those Elvis lyric sites from time to time. Presley performs "Yoga" (full lyrics) in the 1967 Paramount picture, "Easy Come, Easy Go," where Elvis plays a Navy frogman turned civilian treasure diver.

I admit to having seen parts of the movie, including the climactic underwater fight scene, but I obviously missed the new-age number. It's no "Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce," but it'll do.

Come on come on, untwist my legs

When all it ever gives to me is a pain in my posteriors.