I don’t want to be friends with Todd

I don’t want to be friends with Todd. Not just any Todd, though. Some Todds are okay, but Todd621 is the Todd I don’t want to ever be friends with. In grade school I was friends with three Matts — Matt Z., Matt W. and Matt H. — and that was cool.

But Todd621 is different. Todd thinks he can make friends by being mean. Like in preschool when that Sarah girl (see last paragraph — U of C makes sense) and that Peter guy (he used to be smaller) always ran around and knocked people over.

Looking back on those days, I should have responded calmly. Maybe said something along the lines of: “Hey, folks, that’s not cool.” That would have been impressive, coming from a four-year-old. Instead, I would finally like to acknowledge my role as the lead plotter in the Knock-Sarah-and-Peter-out-of-the-wagon Day Massacre.

Todd just doesn’t understand any of this stuff. Out of the blue, he e-mails me to say, “Let’s be friends.” What makes you think it’s so easy, Todd? We’ll never be friends, you poor fool. I don’t even know your last name or what you look like.

But I do know that you and some other people keep trying to give me the damn Klez computer virus.

[Deep breath]

Hey, folks, that’s not cool.

[Tips Todd’s wagon, runs away]

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