An offer: Quid pro snow

It snows everywhere else. It snows in Chicago, Canada and Washington, D.C. Sometimes even, it snows so much — so much! — that people have to use penguin tape because the ducts have all flown south! And where do these ducts fly? Where do they go? They go to a place that has no snow: Atlanta.

According to Accuweather.com, this winter Atlanta has had nothing more than three days of “trace” snowfall. Three measly traces. And it’s not like this place is some kind of a tropical beach either. The city has had 51 days of freezing temperatures since the beginning of November. I know that number means nothing to the Northern numb, but people, please! I’d like some flakes with my skies! Why should we have to suffer a gray chill without reward?

We would not disappoint the rest of the nation. Once in the snow, we would offer a great bounty of folly for the frosty chuckles of Buffalites and Rochestoreans. Our belles would hitch up their petticoats. Our peaches’ fuzz would droop. Our grits, if kissed, would be responsible for icy adhesions of the most unfortunate kind.

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